Step into Love, Not Out.

Matthew 19:3-6

"And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, 'Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?' He answered, 'Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female,' and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?' So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.'"

If you are into drama/romance TV shows, there's a good chance you've seen Netflix's "Virgin River." The first season is our favorite. While we love the beautiful scenery of the Pacific Northwest, the character development, the way Jack relentlessly pursues Mel, and the simple plot line of a nurse from LA moving to a small town, we can't help but realize that this show makes some interesting, if not damaging, statements about love. Jack and Mel's love story would be almost too perfect... if it weren't for Jack's former lover, Charmaine. *Spoiler Alert* We find out later into the show that Jack left Charmaine because he just doesn't have feelings for her anymore, despite her pregnancy, and is head-over-heels in love with Mel. The show then goes on to dramatically glorify Jack and Mel's relationship, while Charmaine is left to the sidelines dealing with her pregnancy.

The reality is that this storyline is what is now socially accepted. Love the person you feel like loving in the moment, until it doesn't feel right for you. Be in love until you fall out of it. You can even co-parent with someone, but have a romantic relationship with someone else.

"We fell out of love." While we are sorry to hear that, we don't think you did necessarily. You stepped out of it. We all grow up with a unique perception of what love and marriage is. There seems to be so many voices that define marriage; which can make the waters really muddy and confusing. Listed below are nine factors that we believe are foundational definitions for marriage. The first six are pretty much accepted by the general public. Even if you aren't a Christian, you probably hold to the first six to some extent. The last four are where people seem to be wrestling the most with either accepting them as truth or living them out.

What is Marriage?

1. Marriage is ordained and ordered by God.

2. Marriage is a contract and a covenant.

3. Marriage is both religious and civil.

4. Marriage is both private and public.

5. Marriage requires mutual consent.

6. Marriage is a sexual union.

7. Marriage is heterosexual and monogamous.

8. Marriage is a separation from your parents.

9. Marriage is for life.

10. Marriage is a calling to grow God's family

The concept of marriage is that two people would be in a lifetime relationship. The average marriage today lasts only about 8 years. I think somewhere along the lines we have started to blur the lines between "lifetime" and "long time." (Hence the average 8 year marriage). If we truly want marriage for a lifetime, we need to start practicing stepping into love, rather than out of l

The begging of the Bible shows how God sees being alone as "not good." "Then the LORD God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him'" (Genesis 2:18). I'm sure almost all of us are in agreement that being together is a net-positive.

Sometimes we feel ourselves growing apart in our marriage; but we realized we were making excuses for our actions. We would tell ourselves, "Life is so busy," "We’re too tired to go out on a date." We often find that we are too selfish, too hangry, too worried, too distracted, or too upset at the other person to put them first. When you began letting these thoughts and feelings take over, you begin stepping away from your spouse instead of pulling each other closer.

Ways People Step Out of Love

1.) Addiction/ Lack of Self-Control

The addictions that most effectively damage a marriage are: alcohol, sex, rage, and gambling. These things can be damaging even if not as an "addiction." One major action due to little self-control can feel like a game changer. Anger is usually a side effect of sin because it is a very protective emotion, but it can be an addiction all in itself. These things are a step (or sometimes many, many steps) out of love.

Alcohol: This can be a way people step out of love because it can severely impair judgment and gives a lack of self control; often with anger or recklessness involved. You aren't able to care well for your family if you are drinking. This can also cause issues financially because alcohol is expensive.

Sex: This is a way that you can either step into or out of love. Stepping out of love with sex might look like masturbating, watching porn, or having an affair.

Rage: While it's pretty self explanatory how rage and anger can drive two people apart, we just wanted to mention it. Rage gives the same adrenaline rush and endorphins that some people get from a rollercoaster or similar activity. It usually comes from a place of feeling the extreme need to protect one's self; and all other ways feel hopeless. Rage is a quick fix to gain control of a situation, but can come with some major regrets. Many times, rage is expressed through abuse. Becoming an abusive spouse is an example of taking huge steps out of love, which will make your spouse feel like calling it quits, or make them co-dependent.

Gambling: Gambling produces the dopamine levels similar to scrolling through social media. If someone feels desperate for money or status, they may gamble and find themselves lost in it. This is a step out of love because it's more likely that you will lose a house rather than gain a house. You are putting your financial livelihood on the line.

2.) Infidelity and Impurity

Emotional: This is where you fantasize either about the idea of your spouse loving you in a different/better way, or about someone else loving you in a special way. It might look like romance movies, books or tv shows. It could look like "soft porn" or "romantic porn." It could also look like texting, snapchatting, DMing, etc. with someone else; enjoying the attention they give you. You might get more comfortable being vulnerable with this person through your words or with your body. You might find yourself begin to really enjoy TV shows with steamy sex scenes. Maybe you follow romantically aesthetic pages on Instagram or "hot" and revealing models. These all involve an element of dissatisfaction followed by the belief that there is something better, and each is a step further out of love with your spouse.

Physical: The physical act of sexual infidelity/ impurity usually stems from an emotional place. Maybe you started out with those emotional attachments and desires listed above, but then you became desperate and acted on it. This could look like a one night stand, an extramarital relationship with a physical element, sending/receiving inappropriate pictures, watching porn, creating porn (unfortunately a popular and well-marketed new fad), or something along those lines. Being physically unfaithful to a spouse accounts for about 60% of reasons for divorce.

3.) Abandonment:

Abandonment can be seen in many different forms. You can first abandon the needs/wants of your spouse. You can be acting more out of selfishness, rather than selflessness. You may physically leave your spouse and move away, which is a step away from working towards renewing the relationship. Abandonment may also be seen as emotional abandonment. Maybe you spend more time at a hobby you love rather than working on your marriage, or you have chosen to ignore your significant other in hopes to avoid a certain conversation or question they may ask. The more steps you take away from talking or physically being away from your partner is going to pull you away from the nourishment you need to grow a healthy blooming marriage.

4.) Arguing

Let us be the first to admit that we argue... a lot. But we don't want it to be like that anymore. This is listed as one of the top three reasons that people get divorced. Many stressors that can induce arguing are: hormones (especially during certain times like pregnancy), being tired, being hungry, competition for being in charge, invasive in-laws, in-laws with different beliefs or expectations, finances, parenting a kid, moving, losing a job, being in college, and obviously many more.

(Photo credit: Vertically Focused Photography)

Ways People Step Into Love

1.) Work Towards Common Goals.

During the season we felt our marriage was struggling, a counselor gave us some great advice. She said a great way to build our relationship is to work on a puzzle together. That way we are both working towards a goal with very little communication challenges. Buying a house, parenting, saving money, volunteering at the food pantry, etc. are all example of how you can work towards a common goal together. Start small and then go big.

2.)Repent, Believe and Grow

If you have struggled with addiction or have felt stuck in bad patterns, start by acknowledging and confessing your sin. It doesn't necesarily matter to who, but speak it out. You've likely been trying to cover up your mistakes for awhile. Either because you want to continue, or because you are afraid of what would happen if someone found out. The light shining on our sin gives us the freedom that God wants for us. We recommend speaking to a counselor, getting closely involved with a group of Believers, and finding a church with a helpful recovery program. Even though it will be a journey, Jesus says that you are free from sin, and we hope you can live in that freedom. Ask your spouse for forgiveness, and ask them to join you on your journey to recovery. Your marriage is not doomed, but you both will need to take steps toward each other and toward Jesus.

3.) Give Up Some Things

If you are dealing with emotional infidelity, it's tricky because it might be so commonly ingrained in your lifestyle that you might not even see it for yourself yet. Ask God to reveal whether you need to give up any emotional attachments that don't belong. I (Josiah) chose to do away with Instagram and with my iPhone for a whole year. It was hard, but worth it. (I invested in an Apple Watch with cellular data so I could have texts, directions, and music, but that was it!)

4.) Be Together

This blog got us thinking that a marriage relationship can so easily spark a step in the right direction by simply being together and building something together. Building a life with your spouse is something God made to be so incredibly beautiful when a husband and wife simply do the task of helping each-other out and growing a life that is going to be glorifying Him. If you feel separation and don't know what to do or say, just be in a room together intentionally. Try this without phones, TV, and if possible, without anyone else. Don't bring up stress topics like in-laws or finances, but just maybe sit quietly together, look in each others' eyes, play a game, just do something together even if you are doing nothing together.

5.) Get Help

If your marriage is struggling, don't struggle alone. If you both decide that you would like to get in a better place, we highly suggest marriage counseling and marriage events. They won't fix you. You have to allow God to work in your heart. But they will help you. If the offense feels more severe such as abuse or repeated sexual unfaithfulness, you definitely need to reach out for help if you want to continue on and grow your marriage. This might mean a period of separation for individual safety and growth, and that is okay. Pray every day for God to work in both of your hearts and trust that He really will.

So...Should We Get a Divorce?

"But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." (Matthew 5:32)

As we were interacting with this passage, we saw it in a newer way than before. The Holy Spirit highlighted to us that when you divorce your spouse, you are making them commit adultery. The reason it says, "except on the ground of sexual immorality," is because in that case, divorcing them wouldn't make them commit adultery because they had already done that themself. This passage doesn't say that divorce is okay if there was sexual immorality, it says that there is always sexual immorality involved in divorce. What else is interesting is that marrying someone who is divorced is also "committing adultery."

Our hearts hurt with you if you have dealt with divorce. It's messy, painful, and confusing. But these are Jesus' words, not ours. However...remember what else Jesus said? When a woman was caught in adultery, "Jesus stood up and said to her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' She said, 'No one, Lord.' And Jesus said, 'Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.'" (John 8:11-12) If you have gone through a divorce, there is so much grace. You have a new opportunity to step into love.

If you are thinking about leaving a marriage we would like to add some perspective for you. Divorce is more likely to happen within families that have had a history of divorce. Many children who were raised in divorced families are more likely to have a marriage that ends in divorce, which makes it harder for them to fight and stay in the relationship. They likely have not had a close model to look up to for what a healthy relationship looks like. Divorce is not just hard on the two people ending their relationship, it is hard on their kids, and their kids' kids. Josiah's parents had to fight super hard to break the cycle of divorce and we are seeing the blessing of that effort.

Many see certain issues as a golden ticket to divorce. We believe that is ultimately your call. Are you looking for reasons to divorce, or did you do everything in your power to step into love? We do want to point you to the story of Hosea in the Bible. God had Hosea marry a prostitute. Even while they were married, she would go out and sleep with other people. But Hosea stayed married to her. What's amazing is that God created this story to be an example of how Jesus Christ loves the church. Unending, always available, faithful, even when we make mistakes and go against our commitment to follow Jesus. If you really want to love like Jesus, who loves no matter what, you should choose before getting married if you are willing to love like that. We don't bring this up to say "Go live like a prostitute!" but more so "Go love like Hosea and Jesus."

Final Thoughts

God chose you to be on this earth, He chose you both to raise your beautiful children together, to do life together. God sent His son to die on the cross for your sins if you choose to believe in Him, and work through your sins to be the best version of you; to share His good news to the world. Your marriage is an example of Christs love for the church, it should be unending, forgiving and eternally loving. God continues to choose you, forgive you and love you, and that is what a marriage should be. Both people committed to grow, committed to love and respect the other to serve Christs kingdom the best we can.

Divorce was never meant to be a part of God's beautiful design for marriage. When the two are joined together through sex, there is an emotional and spiritual connection that won't be broken whether or not there are legal papers involved. Satan has always loved to break what is good and he has convinced our world that divorce is simply another common step in a typical relationship. Are you choosing to step into love or out of it?